The Four Agreements

Sometimes I have a hard time communicating with my Mother.  What's new! We went to see a show this weekend. And as she got into the car, I noted she had an umbrella.  In a neutral tone (or so I thought) I asked, "Mom, is it supposed to rain today?"  I figured maybe she had listened to the weather report and knew something I did not.  Silently I was wondering why she was carrying an umbrella on a sunny day with a cloudless sky.

Her response was unexpected.  She got mad and asked why I had insulted her.  I was taken aback!  How can you take offense if I'm just discussing the weather?!

So, I went back to "my corner of the ring" and considered what I had done wrong.  But I had no framework to evaluate this odd interchange.  Later that day I faintly heard the words from a ceremony Chuck was editing.  The officiant read Don Miguel Ruiz' Four Agreements.  They are:

1.  Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. 

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Ah ha!  It's easy to see that Mom was the offender here.  She violated Agreements #2 and 3 - Don't take it personally and Don't make assumptions.  Obviously, I huffed, she assumed I meant to insult her.  Always thinking the worst of people.  But wait a minute.  Was I totally blameless?  

Maybe my fault lay in not living up to the first agreement. Maybe I was mindlessly making chit-chat and didn't bring full attention and focus to my Mother.  Maybe I didn't say "Mom, is it supposed to rain today?" with truth and love. Being a sensitive woman, maybe she felt the 1% of sarcasm I thought I had hid so well. Well, I guess we were both at fault.  

All you can do is your best (see Agreement #4).  So next time, I'll do better. 

Mary's Wedding

Mom and I went to see a short play yesterday at the California Theater Center, Mary's Wedding. This wasn't a lavish production, but it was very moving. It had just two actors. But what a magnificent job they did!

The play is set on the eve of World War I in which a young woman recounts a dream, more like a nightmare at times, that involves two scenes that are beautifully interwoven: Mary and Charlie's early courtship in a barn safe at home and Charlie's harrowing experiences on the battlefield. Though the action jumps in time and place, "Mary's Wedding" was well-balanced in its alternating story lines of love and war. At times it was pure poetry.

The characters seemed so real. Mary was chaste and demure in a silky white dress that looked like a nightgown. But she displayed more mature qualities of intelligence, compassion and strength when she calmed Charlie's fears during the thunderstorms. Charlie was confident and daring on the battlefield, but sheepish and youthful when meeting Mary's mother over tea. They had many dimensions, some conflicting, like all of us.

The story was one that transcends time and place -- the agony of being separated from a loved one. And it was about regret over what might have been. You know it's a good play or movie when you were mesmerized during the performance and speechless when it was over.

Word For Word

I took my Mom to see a bit of theater on Sunday. What was unusual was that every word from the book was spoken. It's called word for word or W4W. This is great for anyone who loves to read because you can hear the way the author uses language and hear the interior thoughts of each character. Mom's sometimes hard to please, but she loved it!

The play, The Magic Barrel, was about a fellow who is desperate to find a wife, but is terrified of women. He calls for the matchmaker who shamelessly exaggerates the attributes of all the ladies he introduces to the poor fellow. The play ends ambiguously with another "match". If you're an optimist, as I am, you hope it works out.